There is no expectation of privacy on the internet. No firewalls, passwords or secret codes are going to protect you from someone determined to show their ass. The hardest lesson I learned was how to let go and walk away. Is it any wonder, then, that I don't know how to see the love and affection in someone who isn't completely obsessed with permeating my entire life all at once?
What is this gentle, friendly love made of cat pictures and quiet moments? What will you learn to love about me without the obfuscation of lust? What will I learn about myself?
I never learned how to see my value and not my loss. I was always taught to paint thick lines around the negative spaces. I stopped recognizing the face that's in the mirror. All I can see is caution tape and the rubble of reconstruction. What comes next in the discovery of long hidden blueprints?
The thing about moving on is that I am always going to be here. There are person shaped scars that won't fade entirely regardless of how far I travel. Happiness will never be found in relocation. You don't find happiness. You can't suddenly discover something that has always lived there. It has been lingering behind my raw edges in places where I'm scared to reach. It hurts to reach past those wounds. But I can see it, behind the pain.
That's all I know for now.
Signed,
Your Crazy Ex-girlfriend
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